I realize I live in a continuing cycle.
desiring for a breakthrough to being shattered. Trying to pick up the pieces to where I left off again and again. I feel inadequate for God to use me. How can he use me if I can’t seem to use the tools he has given me to break this boundary? Or boundaries.
I think as I go on this journey I’ll release a lot of this truth. A truth that may be vulnerable. A truth that may be hurtful to others. A truth that may end things. A truth that may be hard to swallow. But it’s my truth.
I think the first one I must face is WORTH.
I have placed my worth in many things that worked up to this point. But I can’t hide behind them no longer. I feel I have to lighten this load before I can carry what I need for this next level.
I can go way back when I think I started picking up my labels of what defined my worth.
It started as the innocent As and Bs … report card… the pressure of getting an education so you can have a good future. I didn’t realize something so simple as a teacher punching in a grade or getting a good comment on my report card and seeing that reward or praise from others begin to work something in me for several years.
It was my accomplishments that stamped worth on me. It was the awards shows. The applause. Smiles. And affirmations for good acts.
For so long all I knew was I have to do good to be seen or become someone.
It seeped into my relationships. Family, friends, and even strangers. My accomplishments was my worth. My education was visual representation of me working towards something. It was my topic of conversation with family. Something that I can tangibly look at to know I’m working towards something. But that was stripped away when I first surrendered my plan, and committed to my fathers.
It’s been so hard for me to deal with these past 2 years.
In my friendships, it’s been hard to maneuver. I feel like everyone is moving up or have a career. Graduated. And yet I’m still just holding to faith.
In family, I feel an unspoken pressure to figure out a plan or see progress in my steps. To have stability. To live up to others expectations as enough.
To have outside proof that I’m doing something with my life. That I’m not a failure. To scream with caution that just wait this will turn out good. I promise. That even though it looks crazy on the outside, just wait it’ll work out.
To be honest, I started writing this in March and where the ink changed I’m writing in November.
I had to go through the journey first before I could expose the root and share the truth.
My worth comes from within. I’m already enough because my father says I am. I learned this year that I don’t have to earn his love or prove that I’m enough. That’s what relieved me from the pain of strife. Striving to please everyone else and yet displeasing myself.
And faith. To not let my level of faith be determined by someone else’s. It’s just like placing my worth in their hands. I had to learn that my vision isn’t for everyone to agree or decide on. Some walks in life are only between you and God. I learned to protect my vision at all cost. So a little advice: IF ITS PRECIOUS, PROTECT IT!
I had to learn to disconnect my full identity to what I do and connect to who I am. I am a child of God. I am enough. I am called. I am worthy. I am made in the image of God. And yet I didn’t have to do anything to earn those truths.
I get to decide my worth. Not outside noises. I learned affirmations comes from within not people, words, numbers, or results. It shouldn’t determine whether who I am or what I put out is enough. (Still reminding myself daily)
To know it’s okay for not everyone to like you. Seep into that “difference” because that’s your uniqueness. To remind myself that people’s perspective of me has nothing to do with me. They’re going to think it either way. I don’t need to win them over. If they love me they will accept me as I am. And if they don’t… so be it. Stop people pleasing and don’t conform yourself to be like by man (people).
Lastly, to not look to the left or right. Keep focus. I had to learn to not compare my journey to the someone else’s . And to do that I had to set boundaries for myself. Limiting who and how much of others lives I consume.
So look deep within. Never let the outside dictate that because you’ll always be chasing the need to feel worthy enough, when in reality you already are.
Talk to you soon, Key Lashaye 🖤
